Love of Your Life, Literally
by WarriorsSlashLove
Summary: --What do you do when you have nothing to live for?-- Lionblaze loses the only thing that ever mattered. AshLion, BerryBirch. Warnings: Long Shadows spoilers, slash, AU, suicide. SLASH, don't like, don't read.


**Title:** Love of Your Life, Literally  
**Author:** Warriors/3  
**Rating:** T  
**Genre:** Angst, Romance  
**Characters/Pairing:** LionAsh, mentions of BerryBirch  
**Warnings:** Slash, AU, dark, suicide, **spoilers for Long Shadows**  
**Summary:** What is there to live for when all you've ever loved is gone? What matters? Would you give your life to get back what you've lost?

* * *

The others don't understand. They think they do, but they couldn't. They never could.

Your siblings. The other two of the Three. Jayfeather and Hollyleaf. They watch you lay there, your nose pressed in his fur, as you sit vigil for him. All night. They figure you're keeping up appearances for the Clan, that you don't really care that he's dead. That you're _glad._

The thought nearly rips you in half.

The Clan. All of the warriors, apprentices, and queens you've grown up with. They see you with your face buried in his cold, lifeless body and decide that it's loyalty to your mentor. They see nothing more in it than they want to. Of course not. After all, he's a _tom._

Stupid, mindless _sheep._

The only ones who could possibly understand are Birchfall and Berrynose. Birchfall tries to lead you away, late in the night, but you turn away. You can't leave. How could you? What would he think if you left him now, when he's making his journey to StarClan?

Finally, the sun rises. You're cold from lying next to his lifeless body all night. Your eyes are still closed, and you haven't moved at all.

"Lionblaze," a quiet voice murmurs behind you, near your ear. Birchfall.

You don't move.

"Lionblaze, you have to go now. The elders are going to bury his body."

Your eyes fly open. "No!" you whisper desperately, turning to Birchfall. "No, they can't!"

Birchfall looks at you sympathetically. "Lionblaze, I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. I can't imagine what I'd do if something happened to Berrynose." He shudders. "But it's Clan tradition. If you don't let the elders bury his body, his spirit will never make it to StarClan."

You know he's right, but that doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean that you want him to go. That you want the elders to take away his body.

So you get up, muscles wrenching in protest. Birchfall leads you away with his tail draped over your shoulders. As Mousefur and Longtail move to lift his body, you glance back, realizing that it's the last time you'll ever his gray pelt, his darker gray flecks, his dark blue eyes.

You close your eyes tightly as Birchfall leads you towards the warriors' den. Once inside, you lay down, curling up with your tail tucked over your nose. Birchfall lies down next to you, and you see him shoot a meaningful glance at Berrynose. The other warrior comes over and lies down on your other side.

You fall asleep like that, the grief ripping you apart.

* * *

That night, you dream.

_It's sunhigh. A golden warrior tom is sitting at the edge of a huge lake, staring up at the sky._

_Behind him, a flecked gray warrior slips out of the forest and blinks in surprise. "Lionblaze?"_

_The golden tom turns. "Ashfur," he exclaims. "What are you doing here?"_

"_I came out here to get away from the Clan," the gray tom says, looking down at his paws. "I needed time to think."_

_The golden tom stares at him silently for a moment, then speaks. "Ashfur… Can I ask you a question?"_

_The gray tom looks up. "Of course you can, Lionblaze. Just like when you were an apprentice." His blue eyes gleam with the memories._

_The golden tom doesn't smile. "This is serious, Ashfur."_

_The gray tom sobers immediately. "Of course. Sorry, Lionblaze."_

_He shrugs. "Don't worry about it."_

"_So… your question?"_

_The golden tom swallows. "My question. Right. So… If… If a tom was…"_

"_Spit it out, Lionblaze!"_

"_Right, sorry." The tom's golden ears tinge pink. "If a tom was…in love with…another tom, and his head was telling him to stop, but his heart was telling him to do what he wanted," the words come in a rush now, "What… What should the tom do?"_

_The gray tom stares at him for a few silent moments. "Our heads are always filled with the warrior code," he murmurs. "Our minds are always telling us what we should and shouldn't do. But… the warrior code says nothing about two toms falling in love." He meets the golden tom's amber-eyed gaze. "And sometimes, we have to follow our hearts, no matter what our heads say."_

_The golden tom's head swims. "I… Ashfur…"_

"_I love you, Lionblaze," he whispers, blue eyes sincere and bright._

"_I… I love you, too, Ashfur," the golden tom whispers back._

_The gray tom stands up and reaches over, nuzzling the golden tom. "That's good. Because I wasn't planning on giving you up."

* * *

_

Your eyes blink open, and you look around, yawning sleepily. You're a bit surprised not to see Ashfur at your side, fast asleep, at first. And then it all comes back to you.

The pain rushes in, and you dig your claws into the ground. Suddenly, you know that you have to get out of camp, and so you do. You push out of the warriors' den, not casting back a single glance in the direction of Berrynose and Birchfall. As soon as you're out, you hear Jayfeather call your name, but you ignore him and run, hard and fast, until you break out of the forest and in front of you stretches the huge, gleaming lake.

You stand there for a moment, staring at the water. The sun is out, but it shouldn't be. You can't help thinking that the sun should not be shining on this day. It should be raining with StarClan's tears for your lost one.

You close your eyes as tears threaten to spill out of your own eyes.

"Lionblaze?"

A voice from behind you calls your name. You jump at the sound, and whirl around, about to attack until you realize that it's just Jayfeather and Hollyleaf.

"Lionblaze, what's wrong with you?" Hollyleaf demands. Jayfeather looks unsure of what to say, but Hollyleaf jumps right into it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," you snap.

"Ashfur was a traitor," Hollyleaf snaps. "It's one thing to keep up appearances for the Clan, but you're going way overboard. Cats are starting to ask questions."

You don't hear anything after "Ashfur was a traitor", and you snarl. "He was no traitor! He never could have betrayed ThunderClan!"

"You heard him!" Hollyleaf growls. "He tried to kill Firestar! He was going to kill us, too!"

"He was never going to kill me," you snarl. "_Never_."

"How can you be so sure about that?" Jayfeather asks, finally speaking. "How can any cat be sure about that?"

Anguish nearly rips you apart, and you completely forget about keeping the secret as you whisper, "He loved me. He _never_ could have killed me."

Hollyleaf looks horrified. "But… But you're toms!"

Jayfeather slaps his tail over her mouth. "Did you love him too, then?"

You tear at the ground with your claws. "Yes," you whisper. "And… And now he's dead. I couldn't protect him… It was my fault!" The last words are a yell to the sky, which is now starting to cloud up, as if StarClan is beginning to realize the consequences of what's happened.

"No, Lionblaze." Jayfeather moves to your side, licking your cheek. "It wasn't your fault. None of us knows who killed Ashfur. For all we know, it could have been a random attack by a rogue. It wasn't your fault."

"I'll never see him again," you whisper. "Never."

"Yes, you will," Jayfeather murmurs. "In StarClan, you'll be together again."

A dark thought comes into your mind.

"Leave me alone," you whisper. "I… I need time to think."

Jayfeather nods, and flicks his tail at Hollyleaf. "Come get us if you need to talk."

Hollyleaf shoots you a dark look as they leave. You can see the anger there, and the clear message.

_Traitor._

_I'm no traitor!_ you think desperately, and you look up at the sky, yowling, "I'm no traitor! Ashfur, _tell_ them!" Your voice breaks on his name, and anguish rips you apart.

There's only one way to be with him now.

You turn back to the lake. It's no longer glittering in the light of the sun. Clouds have covered the sky.

_Good,_ you think. _StarClan should show some respect for the brave warrior I—we've lost._

You stare at the water in the lake and take a few steps forward. The waves lap at your paws, slowly wetting your fur. You swallow hard, wondering if you have the guts to do this.

Then you take a deep breath, and plunge in.

* * *

That night, frantic with worry, Jayfeather comes looking for you. He finds your body by the lake, sodden. Drowned.

He carries your body back to the lake, and the whole Clan mourns together for the loss of two warriors in as many days. The vigil they hold for you is silent and pain filled. Berrynose and Birchfall huddle close together, eyes shut tight. Jayfeather won't leave your body, and Squirrelflight wails aloud at the loss, even though she isn't your mother. Brambleclaw's eyes are filled with pain as he goes about his deputy duties.

Hollyleaf sits in the shadows of the camp walls, eyes glinting angrily.

* * *

"Hello, Lionblaze." The voice that greets you when you open your eyes is kind. The she-cat from whom the voice comes from is a pretty tortoiseshell, her amber eyes bright.

"Wh-Where am I?" you croak, your voice raspy.

"This is StarClan," the she-cat murmurs. "My name is Spottedleaf. Do you know what has happened to you?"

You close your eyes. "I'm dead."

"Yes," Spottedleaf says quietly. "You are. But that's what you wanted, isn't it?"

You don't answer her.

She sighs. "I hope that no evil will come from this, Lionblaze, because your Clan needs you."

You still don't respond.

"Go, then," she says finally. "There's a cat waiting for you." She tosses her head over her shoulder, towards the prey-filled forest.

Your heart beats faster in anticipation, even though it doesn't need to, and you catch a scent on the breeze.

A gray tom, his fur flecked with darker spots, steps out of the forest.

"Ashfur!" you cry aloud. You run forward, meeting him with nuzzles and frantic licks.

"I thought I'd never see you again," you whisper, meeting his eyes.

He stares back at you. "You should have let me go, Lionblaze," he whispers.

"I couldn't!" you exclaim. "What would you have done if that had happened to me?"

"I… I don't know," he admits. "But I know, now. About the prophecy. About everything. ThunderClan needs you."

"ThunderClan will survive whether they have me or not," you whisper. "As long as I have you, I don't care."

"You have me," he whispers back to you. "You always will."


End file.
